i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
