I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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