Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
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