I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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