and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
