Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
