Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
accomplished twins. life is a go
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Randomize
