Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Randomize
