Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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