her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
