Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
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