she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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