Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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