"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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