I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
He shit in the fireplace
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
The ass gains better be worth it
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