I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
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After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
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