mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
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