I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
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i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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