he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
