Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
