I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
