Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
