Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
