peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
