I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
