I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
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