fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
