He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
