Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
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Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
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You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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