he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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