Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
