In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
