Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
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She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
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I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
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