i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
