omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
third nipple confirmed
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
