i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
