Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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