Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
