I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
