what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
