I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
