i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Randomize
