WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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