Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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