I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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