She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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