you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize