I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
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