I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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