I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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