I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
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