someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Randomize
