I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
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