dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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