I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
