my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
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